Rules and Guidelines to living at NEST
by bookgeek96
Summary: just a few helpful hints from the Autobot's tech designer, Evee Peters, in how to not become a new grease stain on the walls or floors at the Autobot headquarters, NEST set in the movie-verse (yes I'm aware that everyone makes rules, but I wanted to give it a shot XD written by my OC, Evee)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: so here's a little side thing I've been working on, it takes place in the Bay-verse instead of Prime-verse, I know everybody makes rules, but I wanted to make some too XD And since there are so many 'rules and guidelines' out there, if some of mine sound like someone elses, it wasn't intentional**

**anyone who has read my previous fic about Evee should know that the movie-verse and the prime-verse are completely unrelated, so Evee is a different age and has a different backstory here, just a heads up so people aren't confused**

**anywho, onward!**

* * *

Evelyn Peters walked down the towering hallways of the Autobot headquarters, in a military base called NEST. She had just received her newest task to complete, assigned by Optimus Prime's SIC Prowl. She wasn't too thrilled about it, he wanted her to write out rules and guidelines for the base and post them all over. Evelyn, or Evee as she preferred to be called, was the Autobot's trusted tech and weapons designer, she often helped in repairs as well and often worked beside Ratchet and Wheeljack. She was a relatively normal girl, well, about as normal as a sixty-year-old ten-year-old could be...

Evee aged slower than regular humans due to her making contact with the All-Spark in 1947, it had also caused her to have extensive knowledge in Cybertronian technology and medicine, while helping her new found friends Sam and Mikaela aid the Autobots in destroying the All-Spark, she had unfortunately lost her right arm in the battle of Mission City, but had since replaced it with a robotic one. Ever since the battle, she knew she couldn't live with the rest of society due to her...unique situation, so she was recruited into the Autobot team and worked for the secret human/Autobot group, NEST, ever since.

Anyways, apparently Prowl thought that the base was too unruly ever since all of the new Autobots and soldiers arrived, which Evee found silly but didn't argue, knowing that if she did that she'd earn a one-way trip to the brig, and she would've preferred to keep her 'never gotten sent into the brig' streak.

She entered her quarters in the human's barracks and sat down at her desk, playing with one of the tassels on her grey floppy hat that she always wore. On the desk was a jar of black ink, an old pen and a typewriter. Despite the fact that she was technically a child and usually acted like one, the girl from the 40s still refused to 'get with the times' as they say, mostly just with writing. Everyone could always tell when she posted memos and reports because she was the only one on base that didn't type with a computer, she would either type it down on her father's old typewriter or write it out in pen.

She dipped the pen in ink and wrote out the heading to the set of rules and then loaded the paper into the typewriter and began her rules. Hey, who knows, maybe it'll be fun…

* * *

**Rules and Guidelines for Living at NEST**

Dos and Don'ts (Mostly Don'ts)

Written by: Evee Peters

Enforced by: Prowl

**1. Don't T.P. Ironhide if he's in recharge**

(Far as I know, Sunstreaker is still looking for his remaining parts)

**2. Don't steal my hat or wreck it in any way**

(I will hunt you)

(I will find you)

(I will _hurt_ you..)

**3. Don't call Ratchet 'the Hatchet'**

(He gets mad)

(And throws wrenches)

(Jazz still has a dent in his faceplates)

**4. Don't sneeze obnoxiously loud during a meeting with either Galloway or Morshower**

(Yeah, it was rather awkward for Glen)

(Everyone stared)

(I just laughed)

**5. The following nicknames are not to be said to certain Autobots:**

-The Hatchet (already covered)

-Primey

-Ironaft

-Sunny, Sunshine, Goldie… (Sunstreaker's very touchy)

-Prowler, Prowlie, the fuzz

(I still have the gall to say them to their faces, but then again, they can't catch me)

(I'm a ninja)

(Heh heh)

**6. Don't let Ratchet catch you talking to yourself**

(He'll test your sanity)

(I've had ten tests in the past month…)

**7. If Wheeljack says 'Uh Oh' run. ****_Fast_**

**8. If you haven't seen Sideswipe and/or Sunstreaker in a while, assume they're up to something and be on your guard**

(They vanished for twenty minutes or so)

(Next thing we knew the fire alarms were going off, and…it just went downhill from there)

**9. Quoting ****_The Simpsons_**** is not allowed anymore**

(Killjoys, that show is awesome)

-"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!" (Sam sang that for an hour straight. Perceptor's Optic has yet to stop twitching)

-"Samuel, Ratchet makes a very loud point" (I nearly broke a rib laughing when Will Lennox said that)

-"Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatev…" ('Sing that again and I'm sending you to the Pit')(Sunny)

-"That's what we in the business call a 'biggie'" (Ironically I had pulled a rather large shard of metal out of my arm before saying that)

(Ratchet and Optimus nearly had spark attacks)

(Ouch)

-"For once I'll actually be called 'sir', without adding 'you're making a scene…'" (Sorry Skids, still aren't allowed to attend meetings)

-"Haw Haw!"

-"D'oh!"

**10. When sending messages to the Autobots via text or Email, do NOT speak in 'text' language**

(Leo sent Perceptor a message reading _'Gone 2 da store 4 snax, l8ter lolz_')

(He had a heck of a bump where the dictionary hit his head)

(Perceptor has quite the arm)

**11. Don't repel from the rafters of the ceiling using grappling claws to get face to face with the 'bots**

(This one's directed at me)

(Prowl screamed like a femme and glitched, falling facedown on the ground)

(Even Optimus had a difficult time trying not to laugh)

**12. Look both ways before crossing the hallway**

**13. Don't dare anyone, be either Autobot or human, to play 'Slender'**

(I'll never forget Sam's scream, didn't know guys could hit that octave)

(Now Red Alert only walks down halls with no corners to turn)

(Optimus blew up the monitor)

**14. Don't tell Ironhide about Santa Clause**

(He stayed up all night with his cannons fixed to the fireplace at the Lennox home)

**15. Any sugary product is banned from the base**

(Ratchet is no fun)

(But I have my stash…)

(*evil laugh*)

**16. Do not, for the love of Primus, do not set off fireworks without letting someone know first**

(The 'bots will think it's a Decepticon attack)

(Chaos will ensue…)

**17. No, just because I tend to sit on Optimus Prime's shoulder often doesn't make me his parrot, so stop saying it people!**

(Say that again 'Swipe, and I'll shoot you in the aft. Again)

**18. When riding in Optimus' cab, don't ask 'Are we there yet?' over and over again**

(He pulled over and dumped Sam and Leo out onto the curb)

(Now they have to stick with Bumblebee for rides)

(Poor Optimus...)

**19. Don't pull the old 'Pin the furniture onto the ceiling' gag on either Red Alert or Prowl**

(Prowl glitched** ***surprise, surprise*)

(Red was found huddled in the corner, curled in a ball hugging his knees)

(Sunny and Sides couldn't stop laughing for an hour or so)

**20. If you see Ironhide playing with Major Lennox's daughter, Annabelle Lennox, don't say 'AWWWW!' really loudly**

(Despite how cute they look, try to hold it back)

(Unless you want to be staring down the barrels of ol' Hidey's cannons)

* * *

**Yay, first set of rules ^^ yeah I know they probably stink but whatever XD if you guys have any ideas for rules, feel free to let me know**

**-Bookgeek96**


	2. Chapter 2-moar rulz

**21. If you want to blast music with Jazz, don't do it in the middle of the base**

(Whoever said Optimus Prime never looses his cool)

(Can't say that anymore)

(Never seen Blaster and Jazz clear off so fast)

(They weren't seen for a few days after that)

**22. No high-grade Energon at base**

(Nothing good will come with an overly energized Autobot)

(Sideswipe was found upside-down in a ditch in car form)

(He said 'I swear to drunk I'm not Primus!')

(All the humans were rolling on the ground laughing)

**23. When Wheeljack says not to touch the button, DO NOT TOUCH THAT FRAGGING BUTTON!**

(No. Caption. Needed)

**24. Don't utter the following randomly**

-Revenge is a dish best served cold, but revenge is also sweet, so if revenge is cold AND sweet, revenge is…ICECREAM! (That one got a few odd looks)

-Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets

-I wonder what the colour green smells like…

-I scream, you scream, we all scream for STARSCREAM!

-As my great-grandfather once said, we will fight them, with peaches!

-Shut up! The voices are singing me a song!

-The leprechauns made me do it

-DOBBY'S SOCK!

-I know the voices aren't real, but they have some great ideas…(try saying that with a deranged smile)(Epps nailed it)

-I am so tired of this stupid sky dandruff! (I shouted that after having two weeks straight of blizzards at one of our northern bases)

(Again, mentality tests)

(Ratchet really needs a hobby)

**25. Don't stuff Ironhide's cannons full of confetti**

(Its times like these I'm thankful for Prime's 'no harming humans' rule)

**26. Don't blare Rebecca Black's 'Friday' over the comm. Links on repeat**

(Due to the comm. Link in my hat I wasn't spared)

(At the five-minute mark I was ready to take off Arcee's head with my grappling cables…)

(Ironhide blew up the communication center)

**27. Don't reprogram Prowl's vocal processor so that his voice sounds like a chipmunk**

(Fragging hilarious)

(Even Ratchet couldn't hold back his laughter)

(I swear Wheeljack has WAY too much free time)

**28. Don't challenge Jazz to a dance-off**

(You will loose)

(Badly)

**29. Oday otnay eakspay igpay atinlay**

(Ratchet thought I was unwell. Again)

**30. Do not approach someone and say 'For your loyalty, hard work and devotion to NEST, you shall now receive…A boot to the head.' And proceed to throwing your boot at the victim's head, then run like heck**

(Sam dared me to do it to Director Galloway)

(I gladly obliged)

(Boy did I get in trouble)

**31. Quoting the movie ****_Monty Python and the Holy Grail_**** is frowned upon**

(That movie is epic)

-It's just a flesh wound

-Message for you sir (me after getting a rock with a note taped to it thrown at my head by Sunny while I was talking to Optimus)

-Bring out your dead! (Shouting that out in front of the newbies is a bad idea)

-Ni! (Sam and Leo drove everyone nuts doing that one day)

-Bravely bold sir Lennox, rode forth from Diego Garcia, he was not afraid to die, oh brave sir Lennox. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave brave brave sir Lennox. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken, to have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled brave sir Lennox. His head smashed in and his heart cut out and his liver removed and his- ("Thanks for the reassurance guys…") (Lennox before a mission) ("Hey, jus' tryin' to lighten up the mood") (Jazz, Sam and Leo)

-I fffart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! (Sunstreaker) ("What did I ever do to you?") (Sam)

**32. When riding with the 'bots, keep in mind that each one has a different preference to music genres**

-Optimus Prime puts up with quite a few different ones, but he does prefer easy listening or strangely enough, classic 80s rock (did I mention how awesome he is?) But he can't stand anything that promotes violence or anything that may give him a splitting processor ache

-Ironhide is kind of the opposite, he loves violent tracks

-Bumblebee pretty much loves everything (surprise, surprise)

-Jazz will play anything with a good beat, in other words: Anything he can use to give the _other_ 'Bots processor aches

-Ratchet doesn't like anything. Period

**33. If you need help with homework, don't be afraid to ask, except Perceptor, don't ask him…**

(Sam made the mistake of asking for help with his physics homework)

(Received a long boring lecture that I believe is still going on as I speak)

**34. If you need someone to talk to, the Autobots are very good listeners, and they wont judge you**

(Especially Optimus and Bumblebee, I go to them the most ^^)

**35. Don't tell Red Alert about any mythological creatures**

(He wouldn't let Annabelle swim in the lake outside one of our bases because he thought she would get eaten by the Loch Ness Monster...)

(Methinks Red doth believe too easily…-.-')

**36. Don't spike Blurr's Energon**

(He vanished for a few days)

(Turns out he somehow ran to Tokyo and back 232 650 times)

**37. Autobots tend to take things literally, so it's best not to say the following around them:**

-Someone coughs and you say, "Hey, I found your lung!" (Ratchet whisked me to the med bay for a bajillion tests after that. Thanks a lot Mikaela)

-"And I set fiiiire to the raaaain!" ("You can't set the rain on fire! It's physically impossible!") (Prowler) ("Yah…I know…") (me)

-A heavy box of rounds is dropped on one's foot, "It's ok, I didn't need that foot anyway…" (the looks Epps got were priceless)

-"Bad news, I let my mind wander and it didn't come back." (You can probably guess how Ratchet reacted to that…)

-"Yeah my computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." (Red shuffled away from Maggie, everyone laughed, the humans anyway)

-The twins won't leave you alone, "Mudflap, you're killing me here!" (Ironhide came charging in and chased both Mudflap and Skids off via cannon blasts, the twins weren't seen for several days after that)

-You're laughing so hard that you finally shout out "OW MY SPLEEN!"

-"No I did not trip, the floor just looked like it needed a hug!" (Prowl was giving the floor weird looks for days)

-"I don't mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to push them down ten flights of stairs.." (After saying that, the Autobots made sure to keep Galloway away from the upper floors of NEST when I was up there. Go figure)

-"Oh nothing's wrong, I just felt like holding my eye and screaming!" (Wheeljack can be really clueless sometimes…)

-"It's a giant mushroom…..…MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY!" (I had a bit too much sugar that day; I then waved my arms and danced around saying 'Friendly mushroom!' over and over again, scaring the slag out of Ratchet)(I remember waking up later in the med bay feeling veeeery drowsy…)

-"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." (sound advice actually…)

(While we're at it, try not to use human sayings around the Autobots either, odds are, they wont understand them in the slightest)

**38. Don't help Wheeljack with his experiments!**

(I have yet to follow that rule)

(So far, I've been through 7 explosions, 2 meltdowns, the odd flesh-eating virus, severe bodily injuries and countless robotic arm losses)

(But I'm still alive, suckers!)

(Optimus says that I tempt fate a few too many times)

(He's probably right)

**39. Don't help Sunny and Sides with their pranks**

(Odds are, they'll pin it all on you and run if caught)

(Slag-heads…)

**40. If I'm indulging a delicious cinnamon bun, don't try to take it away from me just because you think it's unhealthy**

(Ratchet lost his hand)

(The Autobots still can't comprehend how I did it)

(Ironhide said he had never heard such feral snarling)

**41. Don't use any species other than human when using your holoform**

(Sides, Sunny and Jazz thought it would be funny to take the forms of marine animals)

(Apparently a man was committed to the insane asylum after claiming to have seen a dolphin, a seal and a narwhal driving nice cars)

(Optimus was not pleased at all)

(I probably wasn't helping the matter with all my laughing)

**42. Don't have a drag race between the Autobots to see who's the fastest**

(It was awesome until Bumblebee and Arcee wiped out, who just so happened to be carrying Sam and I)

(Needless to say it got pretty ugly)

(Ratchet certainly didn't help the matter, ranting up a storm as he treated us)

(I swear, he must practice 'em over night…)

**43. When in Ratchet's med-bay, don't. Touch. Anything**

(I was getting my robotic arm examined, Ratchet had his back turned, I said "hmm, I wonder what this does?" to mess with him)

(Nearly got taken out by a wrench)

(Yeesh, it was just a joke! *rubs wrench shaped bruise and whimpers*)

**44. Don't tell the Autobots about spontaneous human combustion**

(They had us all rounded up and monitored around the clock)

(Sam sneezed and got drenched by Inferno's fire hose)

(High strung much?)

**45. Don't tell the Autobots that most spiders are poisonous**

(Optimus sent all the bots on a base-wide spider hunt)

(After three hours Mikaela finally told them that most Spiders were too small to actually bite and infect a human)

(They all gave Prime the 'WTF!' look)

**46. Don't make fun or Ironhide for his soft spot for younglings**

(Sunstreaker did it one day)

(Ironhide did a number on him)

(I helped)

**47. Don't assemble a group and go on a paintball-shooting spree through the base**

(Mikaela, Annabelle and I were the 'Paint Ninjas')

(Best day ever!)

**48. When sent on a mission, don't announce 'I'm going on an adventure!' like Bilbo Baggins**

(Odds are, the 'bots wont get the reference)

**49. Don't let Wheeljack watch ****_Mythbusters_**

(Just…don't)

**50. Don't use humans as 'moving targets' in the shooting range**

(This one's aimed at good ol' Ironhide)

(Apparently I 'volunteered' after the whole confetti in the cannons thing)

(Optimus chewed him out for quite a while after that)

(I had to change my pants…)

**51. Try to stay optimistic**

(I fell down the stairs, then said "Boy I sure made good time on those stairs!")

(Perhaps not the best thing to say)

(But you get the idea)

**52. Don't bug Seaspray with ocean puns**

(Me) Hey Seaspray, what did one ocean say to the other ocean?

(Seaspray) I don't know, what?

(Me) nothing, it just waved!

(Seaspray) ok then..

(Me) sea what I did there?

(Seaspray) umm..

(Me) Sea-riously, did you?

(Seaspray) …yes

(Me) are you shore?

(Seaspray)…ok stop

(Me) water you saying?

(Seaspray) I'm saying stop!

(Me) You need to be more pacific

(Seaspray) Stop being a pest!

(Me) I fish you would give me a chance…

(Seaspray) THAT'S IT! *Shoots at me *

(Me) …ouchie…

**53. Don't sing your own theme music and sneak around like a secret agent**

(They all thought I was nuts)

(Bumblebee played the 007 theme and did it for an hour or so)

(He's adorable ^^)

**54. Don't play 20 questions with Prowl**

(Thanks to his powerful processor, he never looses, it's annoying)

("Care to play 20 questions?")(Prowl)

("Ah ok…I'm thinking of a vegetable…")(Me)

("Rutabaga?")

("Heh he-I hate you…").

**55. Yes, rage comic characters like troll face and derp are funny, but don't use them in real life.**

(After pulling a prank on Lennox, Sam mimicked the troll face smile)

(Needless to say, he looked like a walrus passing gas…)

(Wheeljack got frustrated with a project and flipped his desk…)

(…almost on top of me)

**56. When spying on Decepticons, don't mutter, "So Starscream is once again bickering with Megatron, I honestly don't know why he doesn't just propose…"**

(That actually even made Prowl and Ratchet crack up O.O)

(Optimus was hiding his smile behind his battle mask, I just know it)

("This is why our marriage councilor says we're never going to grow as a couple!" Sideswipe added in his best 'Starscream' voice)

(I think we blew our cover with all our laughing)

**57. Don't yodel**

(Yeah, that's right, it's a rule now…)

**58. Don't drive on two wheels to weave in and out of traffic**

(Bumblebee caused four three-way collisions)

(He also ended up on facebook)

**59. Try not to purposefully make Prowl glitch**

(It annoys Ratchet to no end)

(Again, wrenches)

**60. Don't underestimate how awesome humans can be**

(I sang the entire 'Nations of the World' song from Animaniacs by memory)

(The Autobots just gawked)

**61. If you value your life, DO NOT MAKE FUN OF MY AGE!**

(Yes I am aware that I am a 60-year-old 10-year-old, stop making wisecracks about it!)

(I broke Miles' nose when he asked me if I used a cane, but Optimus stopped me before I could do any more damage and made me have some quiet time)

**62. Don't sell anybody else's stuff online**

(Sam tried to sell my vintage records and gramophone online but I caught him)

(He was found a week later, stuck to the ceiling)

(I'm good with duct tape)

* * *

**If anyone has any ideas for more rules, please let me know, I'm running out of rules XD**


End file.
